Measure for measure.

Perhaps, all things really do happen for a reason.

Today, everything seemed to come full circle. And after so long, I finally understood.

Kitesong. My bike. Anorexia. Alisha. The doctors. Money. People like you who visit this space. They all seem like such disparate things. But today, they were all weaved together, intricately, beautifully and seamlessly.

Just 4 months back, I hadn't much hope that any of us could help Alisha. Things seemed rather bleak for her. Just 3 and a half months back, I hadn't a clue just who I was sitting next to during the fundraising dinner, just how remarkable and powerful Ms K is. Just 3 months back, I hadn't any idea that my bike would have anything to do with this little 4-year old and her future or my dreams. Today, it all made sense.

"Yes, do come over. Would you like to come to my dialysis centre? Looking forward to meeting you," Ms K said.

During that fundraising dinner 3 months ago, I sat next to a woman who doesn't work in the traditional sense of the word, but who gives her life to needy patients and impacts lives one at a time. During another fundraising dinner I attended last Saturday when I made an appeal for Alisha's case, my professor who heard my appeal told me, " You must apply for funding for Alisha through this foundation/trust- I know the lady who owns it. She will most definitely help you." Little did I realise the person behind this trust was the same woman I had sat next to, and whom I met for coffee just a month back. How could I not have seen God's hand in this all.

So today, I, together with Jo (the missionary), Alisha and her mother Maili went down to visit Ms K at the dialysis centre she runs for needy patients. There she was, in simple down-to-earth clothes, in a humble setting of a heartlander area, smiling and talking to the many kidney patients who were on their routine dialysis treatment. This was the woman I had heard so much about. When I saw her, watched her and listened to her tell me story after story of the lives of the people she had touched, my hair stood on end- for though she had every opportunity to live a life of extravagance because of her background, she chose to live with others in mind. There she was, in simple, humble, down-to-earth clothes and a genuine smile, being greeted heartily by the elderly uncle and the smiling, toothless auntie hooked onto the dialysis machines."So, tell me about Alisha."

And we did. Jo told her about her social enterprise helping destitute women in Nepal, about the many cases of meningitis each year which robs children of their sense of hearing, leaving many developmentally delayed, autistic and abandoned, about how she had noticed Alisha being exceptionally intelligent in spite of her deficiency.

And as we chatted, Alisha happily ate her biscuits dipped into warm milo,



and happily amused us with her very expressive antics and gestures. Here's a picture of her scrunging her face up in mock agony and gesturing how the implant was put behind her left ear.

We went hysterical with laughter watching her gesture her experience to us in her world of profound silence.

" What you've done for her is amazing Josephine," Ms K said. " The amount of time, effort and love you've poured out into helping Alisha, and especially in following her post-operative therapy through is astounding. I will most definitely like to support the remainder of her treatment costs, as well as her future therapy needs. My only condition is that she gets good followup."

Today, everything came full circle. It was as if, after such a long journey of walking through so many disparate points, all the dots came together, and today, when the last dot was joined, I could finally see the big picture from God's perspective.

Having to grapple with letting my wants and my bike go for the needy put me in a place of deeper involvement with Alisha. That opened the door for an open appeal to the doctors in my circle, who linked me to Ms K, whom I would not have been able to meet up so easily with today if it had not been for my publisher's wife who introduced me to her.

Soon after the agreement was made, Jo had to take Alisha and her mother to the hospital for their implant check-up. It was then that Ms K asked me, " So, did you bring your 2nd book along for me to see?"

My 2nd book. A Taste of Rainbow. The book I wrote about courage and faith, to raise awareness about depression and also, eating disorders. It's been on the shelf for more almost 2 years now, since its conception. Looking back, I could see why God stopped it from getting published- I was still journeying toward recovery and put too much of my self-worth into it. The aim to get it published became a god in itself. God made it very clear to me that His promise would stand, that it would eventually be published- but in His own time and own way, in 2011- and not at my whim or demand. The therapists in Singapore General Hospital (SGH) working with people with eating disorders confirmed it too. 2011.

Today, after Jo and Alisha left, Ms K looked at my paintings and writing for A Taste of Rainbow and said, " I like it. It has a good message and a good cause. How can I help? I'm willing to fund it. The next time we meet, let's get together with the people from SGH."

God never fails when He promises. Did you know, that the day I finished the first draft of A Taste of Rainbow, I saw a rainbow in the sky. In the bible, a rainbow signifies God's promise.

If I had not listened to God and given up my bike, I'm not sure if all that happened today would have happened. I'm not sure if all the dots would have joined to form this remarkable picture which I am seeing now. I gave up two-thousand and five hundred dollars, but was given in return a far greater measure. Two weeks ago, Aunty Ay wrote to me, " Wai Jia, God will honor what you did for Alisha- He is no man's debtor and will return to us measure for measure, pressed down and overflowing."

I thought she was merely trying to comfort me. Now I see how it is true.

Perhaps I am thinking too much. But perhaps, it's true, that everything happens for a reason.

To those of you who donated money to Alisha's cause, and even took pains to raise money from your friends before getting in touch with me, even though I'm a complete stranger to you, I just want you to know, that your little sacrifice will go a long way. You may not see it now, you may even think your efforts were all wasted, were all made in senseless fruitless compassion since we've found such a generous donor to cover all of Alisha's fees, but someday, you'll see the dots all joined together. Someday, this small effort of yours will build something in you that will reap its harvest much later in life. And when it finally happens, you'll surely say, Ah, I finally understand.

God will never shortchange us. He is no man's debtor.

Thank you for all your love and compassion.

However small a contribution you think you made,

just remember,

that it impacted not only Alisha's life,

but more importantly,

your own.

Someday, all your seemingly senseless little acts of love

will all make sense.

"Give, and it will be given to you:

good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over

will be put into your bosom.

For with the same measure that you use,

it will be measure back to you."

-Luke 6:38

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God,
to those who are called according to His purpose."
-Romans 8:28

What the eye cannot see.

"Happiness cannot come from without.

It must come from within.

It is not what we see and touch or that which others do for us which makes us happy;

it is that which we think and feel and do,

first for the other fellow

and then for ourselves."

- Helen Keller

Have you ever watched butterfly-lovers flitting against a piece of blue sky on a crisp sunshine day? The fragile glass-winged creatures whisper in the wind before they disappear so completely into nothing. If you try to touch or chase them, they disappear even faster.

They say happiness is like that- elusive, especially so when chased. What makes you happy? Things, people, work? Or a combination of them all.

I thought it was hilarious when I was assigned to teach my Sunday school class of 7 and 8-year olds about the subject of being thankful, just as I was struggling with it. Somehow, I knew God's lesson to me about my bike wasn't over just yet. How I find myself being comforted, inspired and nourished by the very lessons I am assigned to teach. "Be joyful always, pray continually, and in everything give thanks..."- 1 Thess 5;16-18a. That was yesterday's lesson.

As I taught my kids about thankfulness through role-playing, and sharing my personal anecdotes on previous mission trips, I felt a part of my heart, which had been shifted out of its original place, being settled back into where it belonged.

"Children. What does it mean to 'be joyful always, to pray continually'? This is very hard to understand, can someone explain to Jiejie Wai Jia?"

"IT MEANS BE HAPPY! ALL THE TIME!"

"IT MEANS PRAYING AGAIN AND AGAIN!!"

"... Hm... But Jiejie Wai Jia, when Mummy scolds me, DOES THAT MEAN I HAVE TO BE HAPPY TOO?"

"No dear, God gives us feelings and it's not wrong to be sad. But after feeling sad and telling God about it, and after making our corrections... we can be happy again yes? Okay, children, I need a volunteer." Hands shot up. I picked little Tim.

" Imagine Tim here is a poor, scrawny boy who lives in a mudhouse and has no clothes to wear okay? And one day, a little angel sends him something." I make Tim close his eyes while another child pretends to be an angel, flapping its wings, and takes an old shirt from me and presents it to him.

Tim plays his role very well and appears very happy to receive it.

I repeat the scenario with different children, with each child, however, getting a nicer and nicer shirt each time. I come back to Tim and asks him how he feels about his faded, oversized T-shirt.

"A bit jealous," he says candidly, "Now, not as happy." And understandably so.

Don't you sometimes look at butterflies and wonder why they're so far away? Why is it that other people seem so close to them, and have what you want? What makes you happy.

Even as I was preparing for the lesson all week, the whole incident regarding Alisha, the cheque and my bike kept flashing in my head over and over. I realised, that God was teaching me the lesson in such a profoundly personal way so that I could deliver that message to the children, too.

Being in my Opthalomology module now has opened my eyes to many things I wish I didn't have to see. It is well-known that opthalmologists are a different breed of doctors altogether- Rich, is taken to a different level altogether. And many aren't afraid to show it. I realised, that I too, could become like one of them. I could buy more and more expensive things, and still want more. I could justify my expenses with all my hard work. I could marry an opthalmologist. I could earn a lot of money and be too comfortable where I am to do medical missions in a developing country.

There is something in this department which scares me. I could work and buy, buy and show, and never be happy.

Or I could learn to live on less, way below my means, and learn the priceless gift of thankfulness.

Perhaps the key to being joyful always, is truly to be able to give thanks for all things.

On Saturday, the day before I taught the lesson on thankfulness, a friend pulled me along to shop for a brand-new bike with him. We were in this branded store, with him putting his eye on the latest fashion and myself being surrounded with all the road-bikes which would have served my every desire just a few months ago.

Suddenly, just standing there, I suddenly realised, that there was nothing, absolutely nothing, in that shop which I wanted. That very morning, I had gone for my usual cycling training with my training group, with their expensive roadbikes and all, and had thoroughly enjoyed it. Determined to be content, I had willed joyfulness into existence, even with my present bike. Suddenly, in that shop, surrounded by objects of desire, I realised, that truly, without them (perhaps even precisely without them), I was at peace and happy.

I don't know if my journey with my bike had any bearing on God's unfolding of plans, but that Saturday night, during a medical missions fundraising dinner, I made an appeal for Alisha. A man came up to me to give a thousand-dollar note. Another thousand came in today. We collected five hundred dollars from all the students there.

And finally, I met a doctor who linked me up via email with a woman who owns a Trust to help needy patients. It was only last night that I realised that by divine appointment, she had sat next to me during the fundraising dinner where Kitesong was featured, and we had had coffee together just weeks ago. The famous local film director-Eric Khoo's sister, also Khoo Teck Phuat's daughter. "I will be happy to help. Will also sort out the post cochlear arrangements with you before committing as this will be very important to ensure the success of the implant."

Money. Perhaps, how it makes us happy really depends on how we use it, and on whom we use it on. Whether we fold them into paper butterflies to be taken by the wind, or used to bless someone else. I am learning, that the things which satisfy come for free.

They are also often invisible to the naked eye.

Opthalmology will bring good money. A few of my friends say I could be very good at it because of how much fine work eye surgery demands. I am attracted to it because unlike O&G (Obstetrics and Gynaecology), it will give me time and space to write, paint and continue teaching children. But I am afraid- of who it might make me become. Unlike my teacher Mr. Ho who has infinite faith in my moral strength, I am not sure if I am capable of holding my ground. There is something about the seeming ostentatiousness about the specialty which disturbs me at the moment. (But I must add a disclaimer, that this is a stereotyped generalisation.) I am afraid of wanting what I see, and becoming who I did not intend to be. I have to keep reminding myself, that while my eyes are opened to endless possibilties of worldly riches here, what is truly important is what the eye cannot see. God, what do you want me to do with my life?

At the end of my Sunday school lesson, I shared with the children Alisha's outcome and how God had provided people- people like you, to help and love her. The children remembered her story.

And then came the question -again- which surprised me in such a profound way. "Jiejie Wai Jia, so do you have your bike now?" 2 weeks ago, another child had just asked me that, and I had to muster enough strength before answering it.

This time, my answer came with much ease.

"No dear. I don't. But I'm happy. I truly, truly am. Jiejie Wai Jia has learnt to be thankful for whatever she has. Some children don't even have bicycles, right? Why should I complain?"

It was at this point that little Tim raised his hand and said, "Ya, Jiejie Wai Jia, I don't have a bicycle too!"

"Come children, read with me our verse for today before we end our lesson,

' Be joyful always, pray continually,

and in everything, give thanks.' "

" ... you who have no money,

Come, buy and eat...without money and without price.

Why do you spend...

... your wages for what does not satisfy?

Let your soul delight itself in abundance..."

-Isaiah 55:1-2

Anti-Climax

It was at the fundraising dinner where I bumped into a doctor whom I hadn't met in a while. She often calls just to check in on how I'm doing, and guides me along medical school.

" Wai Jia, it's so good to see you! How're you doing?"

"I'm really enjoying myself, Dr. S- I think I've found the second love of my life!"

At this point, she, a mother of 4 children, starts to squeal in excitement and I do too- partly because we're so excited to see each other after such a long time. She knows my first love is O&G (Obstetrics and Gynaecology).

So there we are, squealing, and I am noticing she's even more excited than me, she grabs my hands, with her eyes lit up and a big smile beaming across her face, and then I think she can no longer contain her excitement and she bursts out saying, "Who?! Who?! Who's this?! Wow!"

A cloud of confusion settles over me, before I suddenly realise we're on completely different pages. I settle down, with my hands still grasped in hers, and say,

"Opthalmology."

No more tears.

How far would you go for one person?

Whether we choose to admit it or not, most of us are, to some extent, utilitarians. Presented with a choice to give our time, money or resources to a cause which benefits a large group of people, or to give them to one individual, most of us would choose the former. It is only under unique circumstances, such as a specific and deep love for the one person, which compels us to lay more down, go further, give till it hurts.

After the cochlear implant surgery, I asked Josephine, the missionary, "Why do you choose to go so far for Alisha?"

Josephine had flown in with Alisha and her mother from Nepal, made a few trips to the hospital for the surgery only to have been rejected because of Alisha's cough/rash, taken pains to raise an exorbidant amount of money- for a child who could not hear, but is just one out of the many heartwrenching cases she comes across in her everyday life in Nepal. After all, Josephine runs a social enterprise recruiting destitute women, each one having their own sad story about their families and children.

"I mean, has anyone asked you why you try so hard for this one child? I mean, forty thousand is a lot of money, and even after the operation, she'll have to wait for a month for the wound to heal to see if the implant works, and she'll have to come for regular therapy sessions to learn how to operate the implant and to gradually adapt to a world of sounds."

"Because I truly felt God put her in my path. And if she were my daughter, I would want to do my best for her. Sure, I could send her to a school for the deaf and mute, but I wouldn't do that for my daughter."

How far would you go for one person?

Perhaps the greatest lesson I learnt was that in all things, there will always be a reason to give and not to give. There will always be a reason to splurge on yourself, and not on someone else. But whatever little we can do, we must do if God tells us to, because we never know the impact it can make on someone else, never know what riches God will lavish on us because of it- riches of joy and compassion and love.

Sometimes, this requires sacrifice.

During a bible study session last week, we learnt how the social injustices and disparities of this world are traced to the source of irresponsible stewardship. That means some people are dirt-poor while others are filthy rich because to some extent, we have not been socially responsible with what we've been blessed with. I thought about my bike, then Alisha, and then knew that no matter how some my friends can justify my buying a bike for myself "because you can't save world, you know Wai Jia, there're just too many sob stories out there", I knew it was the right thing to do. Most importantly, it was what God wanted me to do.

I would be naive to think that my bike gave Alisha the gift of hearing. The fact is that- it didn't. If I didn't donate the money, someone else would have, in due time. But our giving gives not only someone else a gift, it gives us something too- something worth far more than gold or silver.

So I thank each and every one of you who saw me through the past week. After crying last Sunday, I simply made a decision to consciously learn Contentment. After avoiding my bike for weeks, I deliberately enrolled myself into my own form of "Cycling-Rehab", ha, where I've decided to return to my regular cycling regime and am determined to find joy in what I have.

Thank you to those of you who wrote me emails and transferred money to Alisha, even though the amounts might seem, in comparison to $40'000, small. The fact is, smallness is decided by human beings, but only God sees through our hearts and decides how big our sacrifice has been. And with that, He is pleased. You have touched me so much, not merely because I'm amazed that you would reach out to Alisha even though you know neither myself nor her, but because you were determined to make a difference in someone else's life. Some of you aren't even working yet.

Thank you to those of you who sent me emails to encourage me this week. It has been a crazy one rehearsing to be emcee for my classmates' fundraising event as they sail round the world for charity next year, visiting Alisha, and attending meetings. I just want to say that they made a big difference, and it gave me strength to go back to cycling and being content, because at one point, I wanted to forget about the whole thing and stop cycling altogether.

Just to share one email which reminded me how amazing God is to weave strangers together, when we open our hearts to one another:

Dear Ms Wai Jia,

I read your recent essay on Alisha and would like to donate some money for her hospital expenses. I was wondering how I could go about this? Btw, I was wondering if I could wire a small sum to you as well to help with Grandpa Zhou's medical expenses. Is that alright?

I discovered your blog when I was googling this homeless travelling japanese poet/writer which I encounter at the national library, whose name I cannot recall now, and whom you had previously encountered and wrote about. It was a pleasant surprise to find the author of the blog to be one and the same as that of this little inspiring book (Kitesong) that my boss, prof Koh, had given to me for christmas. I've been following you ever since.

D

What a way to answer my prayer, God. For just last week, Grandpa Zhou and I prayed together for God to send an angel to help us with his medical expenses. And just in case you thought D was a hotshot banker, he's just a simple army boy with a heart of gold. And you've never even met me before.

So thank you D, thank you Normz, thank you to each of you for your kindness. And thank you J, for encouraging me to keep cycling even though I was depressed and finding excuses not to touch my bike, for your text messages of encouragement, for running and cycling with me because I hate to exercise alone, for coming especially to my place just to drop off a slice of cake from Bakerzin (you even remembered I briefly mentioned to you before I used to like that place), and to pass me a note which really touched my heart, because I think you really understood how much this whole incident hurt me and much I grew because of it. You may not believe in God, but I thank Him for sending me an angel like you.


As far as I went for Alisha, thank you for going that far for me too.

Yup, no more tears. We're going to ride like we used to.

" If there is among you a poor man... within any of the gates of your land which God is giving you, you shall not harden your heart not shut your hand from him, but you shall open your hand wide to him and willingly lend him sufficient for his need, whatever he needs...

You shall surely give to him,

and your heart should not be grieved when you give to him,

because for this thing God will bless you in all your works and in all to which you put your hand.

For the poor will never cease from your land;

therefore you shall open your hand wide to your brother,

to your poor and your needy,

in your land."

- Deuteronomy 15: 7-11

No Sacrifice.

"You still lack one thing.

Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor..."

-Luke 18:22

Perhaps, it is only when we recognise how nothing we have is truly ours that we can truly understand the meaning of gratitude and contentment, love and sacrifice.

I hadn't realised it, but even though I had peace, joy and clarity in making that decision to give the money meant for my new bike for my Christmas present to Alisha's operation , it was not without pain.

There is hardly any sacrifice worth making which does not hurt. How the flesh wars with spirit.

Today was the first day I rode on my humble bike again since my decision that day. I hadn't realised it, but subconciously, I had been avoiding cycling so as not to remind myself of what I had lost. I hadn't realised it, but with that joyful and determined sacrifice made, was pain, too. With that divine decision, also came a fleshly kind of sorrow.

A stranger I had met online on the triathlete forum became my friend and he asked to ride this morning. His name is KW, he's an Iron Man, and a very nice chap. And as we rode through the clean clear roads on a cool, crisp Sunday morning, he asked as we stopped at a traffic light, " Where d'ya get your bike from?" With one glance, he could tell it was oversized, under-geared, with vintage gear shifters. "Gonna get a new one soon?"

"No," I said, trying to sound light-hearted. "Not anymore."

I told him the story of Alisha. He smiled. We rode some more.

On the way home, the front tyre of my bike got punctured with a theatrical sound which demanded public attention. Some part of my tyre had come loose, swelled and burst. It reminded me of how my imaginations for a new bike had swelled to heady proportions and had now been burst. I thanked God for the visual allegory which finally allowed me to put words to the feelings that had been swirling haphazardly within me.

Shortly after our ride, I scooted off to church. It was then that the reality of what I had done suddenly dawned upon me, and embarrassed as I am to admit it, tears started to run down my cheeks. For days I had been making neurotic excuses not to touch my bike and now, I finally understood why- for with riding my bike again like I did this morning, I had to come face to face with the reality and consequence of my decision, to give up something of my heart's desire, which I had the means to obtain, the rights to own, for something far more surreal, sublime and divine.

Tears started to run down my cheeks, not merely over what I had realised I had given up, but also in awe of the person God had changed me to become, of the strength He had given me to stick through the decision. Our choices shape the kind of people we become, and I cried in knowing that He had helped me make the right decision, a decision that I myself would not have had the strength to make. I cried, in coming face to face with my materialism, and in mourning over a worldly possession lost. The two-thousand five hundred dollar cheque which could have gone to buying my dream-bike which I had imagined, prayed and pined over had been transferred to Alisha's operation and there was no turning back.

Stupid to cry, I thought. When she finally hears again, I'm sure I would laugh at my stupidity. (Her operation has been postponed due to a bad rash and cough.) But it hurt anyway. I didn't expect it, I thought I had been brave and gracious and strong to make the decision- but I cried at church nonetheless, with tears aplenty. And it embarrassed and amazed me to realise how sad I really was to know the Christmas & birthday present which I had been waiting for all year was... gone.

There is a story in the bible about a man asking God what he must do to inherit eternal life. He did good deeds, obeyed rules and lived a good life. But when God said to him, "You still lack one thing. Sell all that you have and distribute it to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me." The rich young man became very sorrowful. Someone else asked, "Who then can enter the kingdom of God?"

To which God replied, "The things which are impossible with men are possible with God."

Similarly, I knew it would have been humanly impossible to give my gift up for a girl I only met last week. I cried, in knowing that it could only be the love of God. For only love can make the concept of self obsolete, and demonstrate its full power through self-sacrifice. Only love loses nothing by giving and surrendering everything of itself. Only the love of God is big enough for that kind of sacrifice.

I suddenly realised, how it is the very thing dearest to us that God often wants from us- not because He is mean, but because He loves us. Yes, he does.

I realised and learnt, that I never deserved my present roadbike in the first place. I never deserved to meet a swim coach who tops his category in swim races in Singapore and in some international races who willingly coaches me for free. I never deserved to have met friends and family who supported, encouraged and took me further than I could have done by myself. So, what sacrifice have I then made for Alisha if nothing belonged to me in the first place, if everything I had was a blessing from God, and not a right to own?

I am not a saint. I am far from one. I can't believe a simple roadbike actually had a hold of me. I am embarrassed to know I felt so incredibly sad about it. I knew it was the right thing to do, yet it was hard. How the flesh and spirit war with each other. I cried, also in knowing that someday, it would not just be a bike I may have to give up for the poor, but very possibly my savings, my home, a comfortable life as a well-earning doctor in a cushy office, a car, marriage maybe. I don't know.

The past few days were not easy. I kept asking God whether my life was fruitful. In frustration, I even asked my family what was the point of my running and swimming and cycling, whether it was all a stupid waste of time. To which they replied, " I think it's important. You are learning character. That's why we support you." It was when I was wheeling my bike with a flat tyre back home, with KW sharing with me about his runaway from God, that I also realised, that God put me in this circle of sportspeople for a reason, that it wasn't a waste of time, that I had brought people closer to Him because of it.

Perhaps I cried also, out of fear that this would be the beginning of the many sacrifices I would be called to make in life for the poor.

But just so God could make His point on how abundant His love is for us, and how He knows my every need, He sent an angel to show me how very much He cares for our every need. As the year winds to a close, I will be emceeing, attending and hosting a number of fundraising and celebratory glitzy events, and was worried I didn't even have basic makeup to turn up looking decent. And just this afternoon, my dear friend J (whom I had met in my cycling group and has now become like a dear elder sister to me) invited me to her home, and gave me a truckload of branded makeup products and a brandnew pedicure set.

Bobbi Brown. SKI. Concealer, foundation, powder, skincare products, lipstick, gloss, brushes from famous brands and shops I would never dare step into. A PEDICURE SET from France- just when I had decided in my heart that I wouldn't ever pay for a pedicure for myself again.

Why, God? Why.

And I realised that in all things, everything happens for a reason. That in the name of love, no sacrifice is too big. That with God, mourning can turn into joy and sorrow into song.

And that truly, the things that are impossible with men, are possible with God.

And He said,

"The things that are impossible with men,

are possible with God.

Then Peter said, 'See, we have left all and followed You.'

So He said to them,

' Assuredly, I say to you,

there is no one who has left house or parents or brothers or wife or children,

for the sake of the kingdom of God,

who shall not receive many times more in this present time,

and in the age to come eternal life."

- Luke 18:28-30

*Alisha's operation has been postponed again due to a recent rash outbreak and chesty cough. She is still about $20'000 short. If you would like to help make a donation, please email me at waijia@hotmail.com and I will help to link you with the necessary contacts. You may also help by sharing her story with someone who may like to help her financially.

To those of you who have contacted me, thank you for yr kind donations. Your love amazes me. No gift is too small.

Ears to hear.

Very often, life is learnt backwards. It is only on the rare occasion that we find any answers to our questions to life circumstances. Why did this happen? Why did that have to result? What does it mean to hear God's voice? Does it even exist? We ask questions, but it is as if we are deaf, our ears unplugged only at the end when all is over. It is easy to suspect that some higher power might have set us up for this all.

Perhaps the truth is that life really is a set-up. Well, at least till we understand things retrospectively.

Last Sunday, I was assigned to teach my class of 7 to 8 year olds at church about how God answers prayers. I shared with them how our requests are at times granted, at times not, and yet at other times, simply delayed. How do you explain the complexity of the multitude of factors affecting the final outcome- faith, intention, motives, timing, and of course the final wild card known as God's final say- to a group of children?

"Would you like to listen to stories today?"

"YEEEAAAAH!!!" They roared with delight.

I told them the story of Alisha, of which they listened with rapt attention. The whole idea of a little girl younger than them never having heard sounds before in her entire life seemed to grip them.

"So the doctors need money to put special tiny things in her ears so she can hear."

"SPECIAL THINGS? BUT ARE THEY WATERPROOF? SHOCKPROOF? ANYTHING-PROOF?"

" Yes, dear. That's why they're so very expensive."

All their faces were forlorn. How could it be that someone had ears which could not hear? I shared with them the little faith I had in the whole process and how much faith Josephine, the missionary, had. I told them how God answers our prayers when they are sincere and directed to help others. And when they heard that little Alisha was now in Singapore and would go for SURGERY, a word which triggered lots of quizzical expressions, they clapped in joy in the most endearing way.

"WOW. YOU MEAN THEY SEW STUFF IN HER EARS SO SHE CAN HEAR?!"

"Yes, indeed. That's what the doctors will do!"

I also decided to ask, "Since it is good to pray for and help other people, is it wrong to ask for things for yourself?"

Some shouted yes, while others shook their heads ambivalently.

"Can I tell you another story?" They nodded enthusiastically. I shared with them the story of how generous God was in showing me His abundant love even when I was whiny and petulant. "Jiejie Wai Jia's face was full of volcanoes" was my way of describing my bad skin breakout a few weeks ago, "and I felt so sad and ugly that I wanted to put a paper-bag over my face so I could hide!" They giggled even more.

"But a lady from church did something very nice for me after I prayed, you know. Look at my face now. Isn't it much better?"

The little charmers rejoiced with me. " SO God does answer your personal prayers too, you know. He really cares about you. But you know, sometimes, God also doesn't answer our prayers. Sometimes, maybe it's because something in our hearts is not right, or He wants us to learn something."

That was when I told them about my bike, how it is too big for me and how I have been wanting a better bike for months, how I was mad at God for setting me up to encounter a really beautiful one only to have to let it go even though it was within my means, how I just didn't understand. How they all gasped in comic horror when I told them my dream-bike cost a whopping two thousand and five hundred dollars, even though it was a worthwhile buy from its original six thousand dollars. I wanted them to know, that they weren't the only ones who wanted things they couldn't have. Big people have Wants with a capital W too. .

"Some of you told me just now how you really want a playstation, or a gameboy, or a pair of rollerblades. It doesn't feel good not to have them, does it? How many of you have been sad because Mummy or Daddy says you can't have something?"

Hands shot up.

"But sometimes we need to ask ourselves why we want them, and ask God whether He thinks we should have them. Yes? Sometimes, we may not understand why at that point, just like how I didn't understand why I couldn't have the bike, even though my own daddy said it was okay, said it was a gift for Christmas and my birthday."

And then I paused because I really needed to, because it was hard for me to listen to the words come out of my own mouth.

"... So after meeting Alisha, I told my daddy to give the money for my new bike for her operation instead. Because maybe, God showed me that very expensive bicycle I really liked and told me not to buy that so that we could give that sum of money to little Alisha. "


The silence which followed what I said spooked me, because my class of kids are vocal and rambunctious. It was then, upon looking at their downcast expressions, that I realised that they really felt for me. They didn't just laugh at my silly story, but these children really felt my pain. A little girl raised her hand up sheepishly.

"Yes dear?"

"So... ... do you have your new bike now?"

They all listened silently, eagerly. I could see, they were all awaiting with bated breath, expecting me to say YES, since all my stories always end happily.

"No dear," I said. I wanted to give her a hug. "But we trust that God has the best for us. Yes?"

I could tell they really felt for me, for each of their countenance fell.


I had to hold back the pressure building behind my eyes. I tried to be strong. My dream bike which I had imagined, prayed and longed and whined for for the past year was gone. Yet, a certain peace settled in my heart.


"So what did you learn today, class?"

"THAT WE NEED TO ASK AND PRAY IN FAITH!"

"THAT SOMETIMES GOD SAYS YES, SOMETIMES HE SAYS NO AND SOMETIMES HE SAYS WAIT!"

"And what did you learn today, Joshua?" This very serious and God-loving boy was very quiet throughout my entire lesson today. He had won my heart and swept me off my feet with his boyish good looks and impeccable manners since a year ago.

"Hm," he said very thoughtfully and deliberately, "that maybe I should ask God what He thinks about my asking Mummy for a pair of rollerblades. I never asked Him what He thought of me having rollerblades before. "

I suddenly realised, that just as how Alisha's ears would be "opened" this Thursday, it was because of her, too, that mine had been unplugged as well. Finally I could hear God's voice and partially understand why He set me up, why He took the trouble to put me through the whole ordeal. Suddenly I understood a little part of His heart for the poor, the meaning of sacrifice and living on less. Had the bike been any more affordable, I would either have bought it, or the amount given to Alisha would be smaller.

I know people hearing me tell this story might scoff. For perhaps, I'm looking too much into the situation- it's just a bike, what's the big deal? Why look so much into it? It hurts, nonetheless, if only in a human sort of way, but God's peace and joy surpasses it surely. And perhaps, I still really do want a better steed in spite of it all- I still have moments where I think about my decision with tears in my eyes. But maybe, I'm just still learning to hear God's voice, that's all.

Thank you children, for listening to Jiejie Wai Jia teach on Sunday. It meant a lot for me to share with you what I needed to let go. I learn so much when I teach you little folks. Thank you for feeling for me, and for being so interested always in what I have to share. Thank you for sharing with me what you learnt. I hope you apply these lessons in your own lives, and learn the quiet and precious art of hearing God's voice.


And thank you Alisha, for giving me ears to hear, too.

"He does not delight in the strength of the horse;

He takes no pleasure in the legs of a man.

He takes pleasure in those who fear Him,

in those who hope in His mercy."

- Psalm 147:10-11

"Set your mind on things above,

not on things on the earth."

-Colossians 3:2

* Alisha's operation is still $22'600 short, due to an extended stay here in Singapore. If you would like to help make a donation, please email me at waijia@hotmail.com and I will help to link you with the necessary contacts. You may also help by sharing her story with someone who may like to help her financially.

Baby miracle.

Have you ever felt like a situation was impossible, too big for you, and then decided not to try at all? Because after all, trying requires effort, and a certain amount of faith which requires putting oneself on the line.

When I received the email, I am ashamed to say that I felt just that way. Josephine, the missionary who gave up her life to help needy women and children in Nepal, had written to me about a little 4 year-old girl named Alisha.

Dear Wai Jia,

Greetings from Nepal!

I have a little girl name Alisha , she is about 4 years old. She was born with hearing impairment and despite several visits to the doctor in Nepal to fix a hearing aid, she is still not able to hear. I am wondering if we can rally a group of doctors in Singapore who will be willing to help her. I wonder if by performing an operation, she will be able to hear better. I think she has the potential to speak but is unable to due to her hearing problem.

I am praying about helping her and her mother. Her mother is a single mother with 3 children to look after. I hope to help her reduce her burden by seeking treatment for Alisha. I will try to raise funds for their air ticket and other expenses.

Much Love,

Jo

A few days ago, Jo shared with me that this idea came into her mind as I'd previously shared Qing's story with her, about how a group of Singaporean doctors had rallied together to help this girl from China who had been brutally disfigured by acid to see and face life again. If they did it for Qing, could someone do it for little Alisha too?

To be honest, a weary thought flitted into my mind, "Rally a group of doctors here to help her? I know I had shared with her Qing's story but it was a doctor himself who arranged it. I'm not sure if I can help, I'm only but a medical student- what are you expecting me to do?" I truly had little faith in the situation. There are hundreds of needy people out there, what can I do?

I thought the situation was quite improbable, unrealistic even. I wanted to turn her down, tell her I wasn't optimistic about helping her, tell her that there're too many needy people out there and well, we just can't go that far for each of them- it isn't realistic. Don't you know how difficult and expensive it will be to fly Alisha in and out of Singapore? Don't you know how expensive the entire procedure will be?

Looking back, I certainly deserved a good throttle. I forgot, that we must do our best to help one person at a time, one soul at a time. Whoever God brings to our doorstep is who we must love. No matter if there're 9 billion people in the world. No matter. I was deeply skeptical about the whole ordeal, and goodness knows what it was which possessed me to reply instead, "Sure, Jo. Rest assured I'll do my best to see what I can do."

It would take a miracle, I thought, for Alisha to hear again.

Dr. G, an extremely well-connected doctor with a big heart for God gave me a number of an ENT(ear, nose and throat) surgeon to call. This surgeon gave me hope because his secretary gave me a date to speak with him personally. He was famous in Singapore, well known for his skill. After waiting for his reply for several weeks, and calling his office only to be received by his secretary again, my heart sank to the floor when she finally confessed to me, "Ah yes, I did speak to him about it. But... er... well.... er... he's too busy for the rest of the year."

Too busy. I had waited and prayed for weeks only to receive a let-down.

I was disappointed. Still quite in shock, I asked Dr. G for the number of another doctor, Dr. K.

Dr. K was more cordial. I called him during my lunch hour. His warmth over the phone assured me of his humanity. After I had explained the situation, however, he said, "Sorry, this is not my specialty. Why don't you contact Dr L from X hospital. She'll help you."

"Could you link me up with her? Perhaps give me her contact number?"

" Go through her secretary. Or you can find out her email on the Internet," was his brisk reply before he hung up. Appalled by his lack of concern and apparent disinterest, I lost my appetite. After what had happened with the previous doctor, I suddenly became outraged and discouraged. Did they not realise what they had just done? But thank goodness he called me back 2 minutes later, almost sheepishly, as if he had realised the gravity of his doing and after he had sensed the sheer disappointment in my voice.

"I'm so sorry, Wai Jia. Let me link you up with Dr L. This is her number, contact her, yes? I'm sure she will help you."

But by that time, my hopes had dwindled. I had waited, prayed, made several phonecalls and sent many emails to various doctors, only for all that to come to nothing. Have we really worked our whole lives in the name of helping the needy, only to become too busy to serve the people who need us most? I don't have the right to judge- perhaps they are busy helping others too. But it certainly made me think and wonder how our choices and reactions can shape and change us.

By this time, my faith store had diminished. In my head, I was crafting an apology letter to Josephine already: I'm sorry about Alisha, Jo. I tried my best.

Sometimes, you may just be one shot away from succeeding.

For Dr. L's voice was enthused with passion and love when she heard my plea. "Oh wow, I've been praying to God to please send me someone like this to help for ages! I'm so glad you called. Thank you for the opportunity!"

My heart sang with joy at her response. I had met someone with a heart of gold.

Even then, we were far away from reality. A hearing implant would cost hundreds of thousands of dollars. The operation itself would cost tens of thousands, even if Dr. L waived her surgical fee. Was it possible?

"Don't worry, Wai Jia. Rest assured I'll be taking over this case. I'll fly to Nepal to do the operation if need be."

I remember thinking before, this would need a miracle. A miracle God provided indeed.

So 4 months later, you can imagine how amazed I was to see little Alisha right in front of my very eyes.

Little Alisha, though deaf, is incredibly intelligent and communicative through her expression and creative gestures. In a world of silence, she would smile, chuckle and imitate adults with curious glee. Within minutes, she had wooed all the nurses and medical staff at the hospital.

Her operation was supposed to be on Thursday, just 4 days ago. We were all set for the operation which would change her life. But because of a chesty cough, the anaesthetists have postponed her operation to this coming Thursday instead.
It is just as well, for it so happens that I would be doing my Anaesthesia module in the same hospital, and assigned to be in the operating theatre. This means I would have the chance to witness her operation!

It amazed me, truly, to be humbled and shamed by my own lack of faith. I learnt, that for all we are worth, we very often do not fathom nor see how on earth we could possibly provide for the needy. We very often do not wish to go too far for a single soul. But perhaps, all we need to see is how we can do little things in little steps of faith. Perhaps, that is all that is needed for us to partner with God, who brings circumstance, money and the right people into perfect cosmic cooperation. It is He who eventually makes the miracle.

So don't ever look down on what you can do for others. Don't ever doubt your ability to be useful for God, or helpful to the needy. And most importantly, never doubt the ability of God to put people, money and circumstance together, even when you feel your hands are tied in an impossible situation. I am learning, that though we may feel unsure about our part in solving a problem, we can certainly be sure of what God has called us to do, and put our faith that all things will work for good. We may only care about large-scale projects, but God cares deeply, even for and especially the individual.

Just remember, that when you feel like throwing in the towel, you could just be one try away from success. We can't save the whole world, but with a little bit of faith, we certainly can change one life at a time.

If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one.

-Mother Teresa

'He defended the cause of the poor and needy,

and so all went well.

Is that not what it means to know me?' declares God.

- Jeremiah 22:16

*Little Alisha's operation fees would have cost hundreds of thousands because of the cost of the hearing implant. After a special request was made to the implant company, however, the cost has been greatly reduced. Nonetheless, the operating fees etc still amount to $32'000, even after waiving the surgical charges. She is still $15'000 short.

If you would like to make a donation to help little Alisha hear again, please send me an email at waijia@hotmail.com

so I may link you up with the necessary contacts.

God bless you.